Adolescence is tough. Throw in the added challenge of being neurodivergent—whether it’s ADHD, autism, or another condition—and school becomes even more complicated. The classroom, meant to be a place of learning, can become a minefield of failed expectations, misunderstood feedback, and a warped sense of self-worth.
If you’ve ever heard a neurodivergent teen mutter “I’m just stupid” after a bad grade or harsh comment from a teacher, you know just how heavy those words can feel. But what if it’s not the teen that’s the problem—it’s the way school feedback gets under their skin, shaping their self-image and sabotaging their future success?
Let’s break it down.
The Psychological Impact of Feedback on Teens
We all know that teens are sensitive. During adolescence, the brain is still under construction, especially when it comes to emotional regulation and self-perception. This is the time when teens start defining who they are and what they’re capable of. But for neurodivergent teens, this process can be trickier. They don’t always process feedback the way neurotypical teens do.
Imagine receiving a piece of feedback that says, “You need to focus more,” or “This could be better if you just tried harder.” For someone with ADHD, this feedback hits differently. Their brain doesn’t always register the same connections that might allow them to simply “try harder” or “focus more.” Instead, it loops them into a cycle of “I can’t do this” or “There’s something wrong with me.”
Some research studies shown that negative feedback, particularly from authority figures like teachers, can have a profound effect on a teen’s self-esteem, especially during this formative period. And for neurodivergent teens, this impact is often amplified. They are more likely to internalise those harsh comments, seeing them not as a reflection of a specific task, but as a reflection of who they are as a person.
How Neurodivergent Teens Process Feedback Differently
When a neurodivergent teen hears negative feedback, it’s not just a passing moment. It can feel like the whole world is pointing fingers, saying, “You’re not good enough.” But here’s the thing: their brains are wired differently, which can make feedback more challenging to process.
For a teen with ADHD, executive dysfunction often plays a huge role. This is the brain’s inability to organise, plan, and prioritise tasks effectively. So when a teacher says, “You should’ve turned this in on time,” the teen might not even have the mental bandwidth to plan for it, let alone meet the deadline.
On top of that, emotional dysregulation is a common challenge. This means that negative feedback doesn’t just sting – it sends the teen into a tailspin. They may feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless. And for some neurodivergent teens, these emotions are often difficult to control, leading to a “meltdown” or withdrawal.
Then there’s the issue of masking – that exhausting act of pretending to be something you’re not, usually to fit in or avoid judgement. Many neurodivergent teens may hide their struggles at school, attempting to fit the mould of what’s “normal.” This can lead to misunderstandings from teachers and peers, who might assume the teen isn’t trying hard enough when, in fact, they’re just managing a mental workload that’s invisible to others.
Here’s an example: Imagine a teen with ADHD working hard on a project. They might spend hours on it, but because their brain isn’t great at organising thoughts or staying focused for long stretches, the project ends up feeling incomplete or messy. When they receive feedback like, “You missed important details,” they may feel like a failure, not realising that their effort was genuine, just differently organised.
The Role of School Systems and Educators
School systems often don’t have the best track record when it comes to supporting neurodivergent students. There’s a lot of focus on grades, tests, and structured feedback—things that don’t always work for every teen.
Neurodivergent teens aren’t “lazy” or “unmotivated,” despite what their grades might suggest. The traditional model of education, with its emphasis on rigid structures and standardised testing, doesn’t always allow for the flexibility that neurodivergent students need to thrive.
Educators, even well-meaning ones, often lack the training to offer feedback that’s effective for neurodivergent students. Instead of simply saying, “You can do better,” which feels like a vague, insurmountable mountain to climb, feedback should focus on the effort and progress that’s been made. A simple shift like, “You’re getting better at organising your thoughts. Next time, let’s try to break it down into smaller pieces,” can make all the difference in how a teen perceives their abilities.
Teachers can also take steps to understand the specific needs of their neurodivergent students, offering feedback that emphasises the student’s strengths. Instead of focusing on what was missed, a teacher could point out what was done well, followed by a specific, actionable suggestion for improvement.
Internalising Failure: The Moment It Happens
Here’s where it gets serious. Negative feedback doesn’t just affect how a teen performs in school – it impacts how they see themselves. The longer these failure messages go unaddressed, the more likely they are to become internalised beliefs. The teen who hears “You’re not trying hard enough” over and over again starts to believe they’re lazy. The teen who’s told “You could be so much smarter” begins to think they’re not smart at all.
This is the moment when failure becomes a permanent fixture in their self-perception. They stop viewing the feedback as about a specific task or performance, and instead start believing it reflects who they are as a person. They begin to see themselves as inherently “bad at school” or “stupid.”
Internalising failure is dangerous. It can lead to increased feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression. The teen who believes they’ll never be good enough may stop trying altogether, further reinforcing their negative self-image.
How to Heal and Rebuild Self-Esteem
It’s not all doom and gloom, though. The road to rebuilding self-esteem starts with understanding that feedback is not who you are. It’s about what you did, and that can always be improved upon. Here’s how to help neurodivergent teens rise above the failure feedback:
Positive Reinforcement: Make sure to recognise their efforts, not just the outcomes. Even small wins—like staying focused for 10 extra minutes—deserve to be celebrated.
Resilience Training: Teach teens that failure is a part of growth. Instead of viewing setbacks as proof of inadequacy, help them see it as an opportunity to learn. Build up their emotional resilience with strategies like mindfulness, self-compassion, and challenging negative thoughts.
Mentorship and Coaching: Having a mentor or coach who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergence can be a game-changer. Someone who believes in their abilities and offers actionable, personalised advice can help rebuild that broken self-image.
Parental Support: Parents can be their child’s best advocate. Open communication, a safe space for emotional expression, and offering encouragement can help reverse the damage caused by harsh feedback.
Therapy Options: Professional support, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), can help teens reframe negative feedback and develop healthier coping strategies.
Conclusion: Moving Forward with Strength
Feedback can feel like a punch to the gut, especially when you’ve internalised it as part of who you are. But for neurodivergent teens, it’s essential to remember that negative feedback doesn’t define them. With the right support and understanding, teens can learn to view feedback as a tool for improvement—not as a reflection of their worth.
So, next time a teen says, “I’m just stupid,” let’s remind them they’re anything but. With the right guidance, they can see themselves for the incredibly capable, resilient individuals they truly are.