When you have two neurodivergent daughters who sit on opposite ends of the communication spectrum, you learn pretty quickly that communication differences in neurodivergent kids are more than just a quirk—they’re often misunderstood, mislabelled, and quietly shaping how our children are seen by the world.
One of my daughters barely speaks in most settings. She’s the quiet one. The “shy but sooo nice” one. Teachers adore her. She’s polite, pleasant, and never causes trouble. And then there’s her sister – verbal, sharp, emotionally intense, and always ready to argue her point like a miniature human rights lawyer. “Opinionated.” “Talks too much.” “Interrupts all the time.” Sometimes even, “rude.”
Same parents. Same breakfast. Two entirely different modes of expression—and two entirely different ways the world responds to them.
Welcome to the wonderful (and frustrating) world of communication differences in neurodivergent kids. Where one child’s silence is misread as maturity or simply quiet nature, and the other’s verbal overflow is mistaken for disrespect. And where, if we’re not careful, we end up punishing the way children ask to be seen.
Let’s talk about it.
The Child Who Talks Too Much: Not Just Chatty
You know the one. The child who talks through meals, interrupts constantly, forgets to raise their hand, monologues for twenty minutes about foxes or K-pop or the Roman Empire, and somehow always finds a way to bring every conversation back to Roblox or the injustice of school tests.
For many kids with ADHD (and some with autism or anxiety too), talking isn’t just social – it’s survival.
🧠 Verbal Impulsivity
Children with ADHD often speak before they think. It’s not because they weren’t taught manners. It’s because their brain moves faster than their filter. They interrupt because the thought feels like it might expire if not said immediately. They overshare because they haven’t noticed the subtle social cue that it’s time to stop. This isn’t bad behaviour—it’s executive dysfunction, which means their brain struggles to pause, filter, or sequence thoughts before speaking. The “brakes” that help other kids stop and think before they blurt something out just aren’t kicking in the same way.
😰 Anxious Chatter
And then there’s the child who talks because silence feels unsafe. Verbal reassurance-seeking. Overexplaining. Filling every space with words because they’re terrified of being misread or rejected. Often these kids are the most self-aware – they just don’t know how to turn the volume down on their fear.
🗣️ Talking to Think
Some kids process their world out loud. They’re not talking at you – they’re building their thoughts one sentence at a time. Take that away, and you take away their most natural problem-solving tool.
🗯️ “Why Do They Always Sound Angry?”: The Misread Tone of Neurodivergent Kids
Some kids don’t just talk a lot – they talk loudly, forcefully, or with a tone that sounds irritated, sarcastic, or downright furious. Even when they’re just telling you about lunch.
And here’s the catch: they’re often not angry at all.
For many neurodivergent kids, tone regulation doesn’t come naturally. ADHD can crank up emotional intensity without notice. Autism might make it hard to match vocal tone to social context. Add in sensory overload or frustration from feeling misunderstood and that “angry tone” becomes their default mode of expression.
Parents and teachers often assume disrespect. But what’s really going on is:
- Low frustration tolerance (especially when interrupted or rushed)
- Difficulty modulating volume or pitch
- A mismatch between inner emotion and outer expression
- Executive dysfunction around how their words land
I’ve seen this in my own daughter. The passion in her voice gets interpreted as aggression. Her excitement sounds like she’s starting a fight. And it takes conscious effort on my part to pause and remind myself: She’s not being rude – she’s being real, in the only tone she knows right now.
If we meet that with calm curiosity instead of correction, we give kids space to reflect and learn without shame.
The Child Who Rarely Speaks: Not Just Shy
Now let’s talk about the other child. The one who’s always been described as “quiet.” The one who barely speaks in groups, gives one-word answers in class, or shuts down completely when overwhelmed.
It’s tempting to call these kids shy. Or introverted. Or “no trouble at all.” But often, there’s something much deeper going on.
🧩 Autism and Communication Differences
For some neurodivergent kids – especially those with autism – language may develop later or differently. Some may prefer nonverbal forms of communication. Others have plenty to say but struggle with the how and when. Language processing challenges or co-occurring conditions like dyslexia can also make it harder to find the right words in the right moment – especially under pressure. These kids might talk a lot at home but not say a word at school. And yet they’re often labelled “withdrawn,” “unengaged,” or even “disinterested,” when the truth is far more complex.
😶 Selective Mutism and Social Anxiety
Some children can speak but literally can’t in certain environments. Selective mutism is a form of anxiety that shuts the body down. It’s not stubbornness. It’s not defiance. It’s a nervous system saying: “This doesn’t feel safe.” The quieter they become, the more pressure they feel to speak. And the harder it becomes.
🌪️ Sensory or Emotional Shutdown
Some kids go nonverbal when overstimulated or emotionally overwhelmed. That doesn’t mean they’re not communicating. It means the world has become too loud to process. I’ve watched this happen with one of my daughters. Her silence isn’t passive. It’s protective.
When Society Gets It Wrong
Here’s where things get tricky and deeply unfair.
The child who talks too much? Often punished. Told they’re disruptive. Marked as “difficult” or “too much” or “confrontational”. Teachers may grow impatient. Peers may withdraw. Adults may assume they’re being intentionally rude. “They should know better.”
The child who doesn’t speak? Often rewarded. Praised for being easy. Overlooked because they’re not causing problems. But also – silenced. Misunderstood. Sometimes, not even noticed at all.
🎭 The Double Stigma
In my own family, I’ve seen the exhausting effort both of my daughters make to fit into expectations that were never designed for them. One is constantly self-monitoring her tone so she doesn’t sound “too much.” The other feels the weight of being seen as “so good” when inside she’s drowning with words she can’t get out.
Neither role is easy. Both are performative in their own way. And both are rooted in a deep mismatch between neurodivergent communication and the narrow range of what we define as “appropriate speech.”
So What’s Really Going On?
Here’s the truth that changed everything for me:
All behavior is communication.
Whether it’s a flood of words or a wall of silence, your child is telling you something. It might not be clear. It might be inconvenient. But it’s real. And it deserves to be heard.
Before correcting a child’s speech style, ask:
🔸 Are they anxious or dysregulated?
🔸 Are they trying to connect or avoid rejection?
🔸 Are they overwhelmed by the demand to perform language on someone else’s terms?
When we stop framing these behaviours as problems and start seeing them as signals, we unlock a whole new level of connection.
How to Support Neurodivergent Communication Styles
There’s no one-size-fits-all script – what works will depend on your child’s age, communication profile, sensory needs, and whether they’re also dealing with anxiety, dyslexia, or other traits. But here are some supportive strategies that often help as a starting point:
🗯️ If your child talks too much:
- Use visual cues or gentle signals to indicate conversation turns.
- Introduce timers to help with pacing during storytelling.
- Encourage journaling, drawing, or voice notes as alternate expression outlets.
- Avoid shaming them for being “too much.” That wound sticks for life.
🤐 If your child rarely speaks:
- Create low-pressure environments where speech isn’t demanded.
- Use visual aids or AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) tools.
- Allow silent space without rushing to fill it.
- Validate their presence, even when they’re quiet. Especially when they’re quiet.
🧑⚕️ When to Seek Support:
If you’re concerned about delayed speech, regression, or extreme anxiety around communication, reach out to a speech-language therapist. They can assess whether the child needs formal support—and help you decode what your child may not be able to say yet.
Final Thoughts: Listen Differently
What if we stopped measuring children by how much or how little they speak – and started listening to what their behaviour is saying?
Neurodivergent communication doesn’t always sound like polite conversation. Sometimes it sounds like interruptions, echolalia, or complete silence. But all of it is a child trying to tell us something.
And as parents, educators, and humans, our job isn’t to force them to speak “right.” It’s to show them we’re listening, no matter how their voice shows up.
❤️ From One Parent to Another…
If you’re raising a child who talks too much, too little, or somewhere in between, you’re not alone. And neither are they.
There is no “right” way to be verbal. There is only the way your child communicates best. And understanding that is the first step toward giving them the confidence to use their voice – on their terms.
Let’s stop asking “Why won’t they talk like other kids?”
And start wondering “What are they trying to say, in their own way?”
Read more from Affinity: Tips for Communicating With Your Neurodivergent Child