If you’re a woman with ADHD, you’ve likely mastered the art of hiding. No, not hiding behind a door during an awkward party (though, relatable). I’m talking about ADHD masking in women—those little (or not-so-little) behaviours we adopt to blend in and appear “neurotypical.” While masking might help you survive social norms or workplace expectations, it often comes at a high cost: stress, burnout, and losing touch with your authentic self.
As someone who has both studied ADHD and lived it, I can tell you masking is a survival mechanism that backfires in the long run. So, let’s talk about what masking is, why we do it, and how we can trade it in for healthier, more empowering coping strategies.
Read more: ADHD in Women: Understanding the Unique Symptoms and How to Manage Them
What is Masking in ADHD?
Masking is like performing in a one-woman Broadway show… every day. You’re the star, director, and costume designer, all while managing the chaos backstage (your ADHD brain). It involves consciously—or unconsciously—hiding traits like distractibility, impulsivity, or emotional sensitivity to appear more “normal.”
Here’s what masking can look like:
– Hyper-organising: Writing endless to-do lists and reorganising your desk repeatedly, hoping it will magically make you more productive
– Suppressing impulsivity: Keeping that brilliant (and slightly weird) idea to yourself during a meeting.
– Deflecting attention: Using humour to distract others from noticing you forgot their name for the fifth time.
Why do women with ADHD mask so much? Societal expectations. From an early age, we’re taught to be “good girls,” which often translates into: “Don’t be loud, don’t be messy, and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget your homework again.
The Emotional and Physical Toll of ADHD Masking in Women
Let’s be real—masking isn’t just exhausting. It’s like living a double life, but without the spy movie glamour or the cool gadgets. Women with ADHD often carry an invisible backpack of societal expectations: be polite, be organised, be responsible, be enough. And while everyone has bad days, masking means pretending those bad days don’t exist—every single day. Over time, that act takes a heavy toll.
Emotionally Draining
When you’re constantly “on,” it’s like performing in a never-ending play where the stakes are always high. Forget your lines? You risk being labelled lazy, careless, or flaky. For many women with ADHD, this leads to:
- Anxiety: The relentless “what ifs” can feel like an inescapable storm cloud. What if they notice I’m not paying attention? What if they find out I’m disorganised? What if they think I’m stupid?
- Shame: You’ve mastered the art of faking it, but deep down, you might feel like a fraud. It’s easy to internalise the message that you’re “not enough” when you’re constantly hiding parts of yourself.
- Emotional suppression: Masking often involves downplaying feelings to appear calm or composed. But stuffing emotions into a mental closet doesn’t make them disappear—it just means you’re eventually buried under them.
One woman I worked with described it as “wearing a mask so tight, you forget what your own face looks like.” That hits hard, doesn’t it?
Physically Exhausting
Masking isn’t just an emotional workout—it’s a full-body marathon. The stress of trying to conform to societal norms can manifest physically in ways that are hard to ignore:
- Chronic fatigue: You might wake up feeling as tired as you were when you went to bed. Why? Because your brain never really gets to rest—it’s busy replaying every interaction and editing out every “mistake.”
- Stress-related illnesses: Headaches, digestive issues, and even long-term conditions like high blood pressure can be linked to the chronic stress of masking.
- Sleep problems: Masking often involves overthinking. Overthinking means lying awake at night replaying the day’s events. And no, telling yourself to “just relax” doesn’t work (ask me how I know).
Burnout: The Ultimate Crash
Let’s talk about the big one: burnout. Masking doesn’t just leave you tired—it leaves you empty. Imagine running on fumes for years, pushing yourself to meet impossible expectations, only to crash when there’s nothing left to give.
For women with ADHD, burnout might look like:
- Losing interest in hobbies or passions because they feel like another performance.
- Struggling to keep up with responsibilities, even the ones you used to manage just fine.
- Feeling detached from friends and family because you’re too exhausted to connect.
Sound familiar? It’s not a sign of failure—it’s a sign that the masking has taken over.
The Loneliness of Masking
Perhaps the hardest part of masking is how isolating it can feel. On the outside, you might seem like you have it all together. But inside, you know the truth: it’s a façade. And when people praise the “you” they see, it can feel bittersweet. Are they celebrating your authentic self—or the carefully curated version you’ve been projecting?
One woman in my ADHD community summed it up perfectly: “I’ve spent my whole life trying to be ‘good enough’ for everyone else, but I don’t even know what being ‘good enough’ for me looks like.”
Coping Mechanisms: Productive vs. Harmful
Let’s get one thing straight: not all coping mechanisms are created equal. Some strategies help us navigate the ADHD storm, while others just whip it into a hurricane.
Harmful Coping Mechanisms
– Overworking: Turning into a perfectionist workaholic to “prove your worth.”
– People-pleasing: Saying “yes” to everything because you fear rejection.
– Self-isolation: Avoiding social situations to avoid the risk of being “found out.”
Productive Coping Mechanisms
– Routines: ADHD-friendly structures that work for you, not against you. (Think: alarms, not rigid schedules.)
– Self-compassion: Learning to forgive yourself for those moments when you’re too much.
– Support systems: Surrounding yourself with people who get you and your ADHD quirks.
Read more: ADHD and Self-Care for Women: Building a Routine That Supports Your Mental Health
Strategies for Unmasking and Authentic Living
Ready to ditch the mask? Here’s how to start showing up as your authentic, glorious self:
1. Accept Your ADHD
This is where the magic begins. ADHD is not a character flaw; it’s a different brain wiring. Celebrate what makes you unique (hello, hyper-focus superpower!) instead of apologizing for it.
2. Communicate Openly
Let trusted people in your life know what’s going on. You’d be surprised how many are supportive—and how many have their own struggles.
3. Set Boundaries
Learn to say “no” without guilt. Remember: you’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness (except maybe your cat’s).
4. Use ADHD-Friendly Tools
Lean into resources like reminder apps, ADHD planners, and productivity hacks that actually work for you.
5. Seek Professional Help
Therapists and ADHD coaches can guide you in identifying and breaking unhelpful masking patterns. If you’re feeling the weight of masking and don’t know where to start, Online Therapy (#ad) can be a gentle first step. Talking to a therapist who understands ADHD—especially how it shows up in women—can help you unpack years of internalised pressure and start rebuilding a healthier relationship with yourself.
Finding Support and Community
You don’t have to unmask alone. Connecting with other women who have ADHD can be life-changing. Whether it’s a local support group, an online forum, or a well-curated Instagram feed, find your people. They’ll remind you that your quirks are your strengths and that life isn’t only about fitting in—it’s also about standing out.
Conclusion
Masking might feel like a survival skill, but in reality, it’s a one-way ticket to burnout. The good news? You don’t have to do it forever. By embracing your ADHD, setting boundaries, and finding the right support, you can trade in that mask for something infinitely better: authenticity. Letting go of ADHD masking in women isn’t just healing—it’s revolutionary.
So, let’s take off the mask and show the world who we really are—messy planners, impulsive ideas, and all.